I CHOOSE ME!

I CHOOSE ME!

The streets of Ejigbo buzzed with life outside Njideka’s window as she prepared breakfast for her family. It was another Monday morning and she had barely had any sleep the night before. She still had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the kids ready.

As she went about her wifely duties, she peeked through the window and watched for a brief moment, the world outside. A frenzy of activities happened in split seconds, it was hard to keep up.

That was quite normal. It was Lagos after all and life always seemed to happen in fast forward.

But her own life seemed to be at a standstill. She was stuck in a time loop and there was no way out. But everyone else looked okay, oblivious to her situation.

Amara and chike sat at the table waiting for breakfast to be ready, but their mother seemed to be distracted. They knew something was wrong with mummy, they had heard her scream last night but they remained tucked in their beds, shutting the sounds out with their pillows because mother had warned them not to leave their rooms when ‘mummy and daddy were talking loudly.’

They looked at her now, wondering what their loud talk had been about last night, but they said nothing, only waited for her to snap out of it. She would soon.

Chinedu, her husband, sauntered in, freshly dressed in a tailored suit. “Njideka.” He called in a voice different from the one he used last night. “Have you seen my tie?”

His familiar voice seeped into her unconsciousness and sent shivers through her. She instantly snapped out of her reverie, blinking severally. His tone irked her. The sweetness with which he said it made her want to vomit. Was he bipolar or something? How could he switch personalities so quickly, how was he so good at putting up a front, at making the kids believe that all was well?

“It’s in the closet,” she replied, trying to sound composed even though her entire being shook with trepidation.

As Chinedu left the room, Njideka’s eyes met her children’s, filled with a mixture of love and sadness. They sensed something wasn’t right, but they were too young to understand the depth of their mother’s suffering.

She hastened up and packed the children’s lunch boxes as they ate their breakfast of bread, scrambled eggs and warm tea.

“Hurry up kids. Your dad is dropping you off today. I need to prepare for church.”

Chinedu came out some moments later and herded the children outside, his haste visible. He tucked his children to the back seat and stole one final glance at his wife before zooming off.

Njideka read the look perfectly. He was warning her to behave, to keep up the appearances they had built, to let nothing slip. He would punish her severely if she were to draw any attention to his private marital affairs. He had often drummed it into her ears, ” Every couple has issues. Because they don’t tell it to you doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Why should you be the one to bare what happens in the home to the public? Have you no shame?”

He said this after their pastor summoned him for a private counseling when he had beat her mercilessly over a trifle matter.

Njideka shivered again as last night’s scene replayed in her mind. Her body still felt the impact of his anger. It was hard being with a man so fastidious. But she was in too deep and there was no escaping him.

Later, Njideka attended church, her face beautifully made up to hide her husband’s signature on it. She was a make- up artist and was really good at her craft, so it wasn’t strange to see her doll herself up for the three – day prayer program organised by her church.

She sat there and watched, rather than heard her pastor preach, sighing at intervals.

The service ended and she lingered a while to talk with her friends. She wasn’t in a hurry to go home to the emptiness and hellhole that was her cocoon.

Chdinma, a fellow mother, whispered, “Njideka, I can’t get over how Lucky you are to have found a man like Chinedu. He’s a perfect husband, always so caring and ready to take care of you and the kids. He’s so capable. You must be so proud.”

Njideka wore her perfectly rehearsed smile and nodded. “Yes, I’m blessed.”

Chinwe chimed in, “And your children, they’re so well-behaved. You have a beautiful family.”

Njideka’s heart ached. She wanted to confide in her friends, to reveal the truth behind the mask Chinedu wore, but fear and shame held her back. Her friends had no idea what she had to endure. She was really suffering. But what could she do? She was a role model in her church and everyone admired her.

If they knew the truth, it would ruin her image. So Instead, she swallowed the bitter pill, aiding the appearances she put up while slowly dying inside.

she changed the subject, bringing up topics that would interest her friends and shift their attention from her.
Deep down, she wished her life was as idyllic as it appeared to be.

* * * * * * *

That evening, as Njideka tucked her children into bed, Amara looked up at her, her eyes wide with curiosity. “Mommy, why are you sad sometimes?”

Tears welled up in her eyes as they held her little one’s but she blinked back the tears before they made their way down her cheeks. She kissed Amara’s forehead and whispered, “Mommy loves you very much, my dear. Everything will be okay.”

But she doubted her own words, didn’t see the possibility of that clichè. Nothing was okay, and it might never be.

She walked cautiously into her room, aware that chinedu was already in there, clicking away on his computer. She headed straight to her side of the bed and made to enter.

“Your pastor called.” He said, his tone laced with bitterness and suppressed anger.

“My–my pastor?” She stuttered. Since when had pastor Jamison become her pastor only? Maybe it was the time he had spoken to him and reprimanded him for hurting her. He still attended church, but that was just to keep an eye on her so she wouldn’t make the mistake of reporting him again.

Chinedu looked up from his computer. “Did you talk to him about me?”

Njideka shook her head frantically at his accusation, desperate to make him believe her. “No, I did not. I didn’t say anything to him, I swear.”

Her eyes widened as he stood up from his seat and headed towards her, danger lurking in every stride.

He hadn’t believed her.

“Then why would he call me out of the blue? And just after the little squabble we had last night.”

Little squabble? She almost laughed in derision. But that would only annoy him more. He hit her with a belt last night, and it was just a squabble.

“I didn’t say anything to him. He probably just called to check up on you since you haven’t been around for a while.”

But she knew that wasn’t true. Pastor Jamison had noticed how blank and listless she had looked while he preached. He had come over to her at the end of the service to find out if anything was wrong. But she had denied it. She had told him all was perfect.

“Do you think I’m stupid Njideka? What did you tell him?”

“I didn’t say anything.” She responded, her voice shaky. She yelped as he grabbed her and threw her on the bed.

“Do you think the world revolves around you? If you can’t take a little correction, why then did you get married to me?”

“Please chinedu. Don’t do this. I didn’t say anything.” Trying to defend herself would only make things worse, so she resorted to begging for her life.

He was past listening though. His belt, his favourite weapon had already come off and his hands gripped it firmly, his veins showing.

“You’ll pay for lying to me.” He said as the belt came down with a crack on her back.

* * * * * *

“Njideka! You’ve started again with these ridiculous ideas. Is that what I taught you? Is that how I raised you? Do you want to bring shame to me and your late father?”

“But mother, this has been going on for years and I’m tired! Look at me, he does this every chance he gets.”

Njideka had gone to her mother again to complain. But she wouldn’t understand. Her mother was a poor widow with four daughters and a son to look after. Chinedu was her savior as far as she was concerned. He helped her take care of her other children because he genuinely loved Njideka, so her talks of leaving him was preposterous.

Njideka however, bears the invisible scars of a loveless and painful marriage. She was trapped, not just by societal expectations but also by her own beliefs, beliefs instilled in her by her mother. She still had memories of her mother cleaning the kitchen sink with a black eye and bruises on her body.

“Endure for the sake of the children.” Her mother sounded her usual anthem again, one she had heard too many times and had become sick of it. She was a staunch traditionalist who upheld societal sentiments.

Raised in a devoutly religious family, she had been taught that divorce is a sin and had been conditioned to avoid at all costs.

“No mother. I have made up my mind this time. I’m leaving him.” She said with absolute finality.

Nneka looked up at her daughter and saw how resolute she was. “Njideka, why do you want to take this hard path? What will happen to your children?”

“My children will be fine. I will not let them live with an abusive father.”

“Njideka..”

“I will sue him for abuse, mum. Chinedu will pay for every time he has hurt me. We’ll get a divorce.”

“But you’re a Christian! Do you know what society will say..”

“Society be damned mum! I do not care what they think anymore. I have lived, cowered up in fear, afraid of what people would say while I died slowly. But I deserve to be happy too mum, and before this marriage kills me, before I become one of those tragic stories on social media, I choose me!” She said, her chest heaving. So much bitterness was pent up inside her and they threatened to erupt.

“I choose me!” She said again, quieter this time.

“I will walk away from him and I’ll be just fine. The kids will stay with you pending the court’s decision and whatever you need to take care of them for the time being, I will provide. ”

“Njideka, aren’t you afraid? This is Nigeria and women don’t always win like you see on television. I had to endure too for your sake and that of your siblings.”

“No mum, that was your choice. But I will not make the same mistake. Are you with me or not?”

Nneka sighed in defeat. Her daughter’s mind was made up and there was no changing it.

Deep down, she was proud that her daughter would do what she couldn’t.

She would live freely and truly without the weight of society on her shoulders.

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