ALL EYES ON ME

In this Lagos, many people are mad but few are roaming.

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The bar was in an uproar when Edidiong ran out with her friend. I was barely able to reach my car. Gunshots were fired somewhere in the distance  and I figured the bar is the best place to be because there’s no guarantee what was going on outside the premises but I’d rather be inside my car than inside the bar. 

I entered my car, locked it and rolled my driver seat backwards to avoid any bullet. I sat there quietly till the ruckus was over. 

The bar began teaming with activities. I figured it was safe so I didn’t bother looking back, I just drove out and went home. 

Finally at home, I jumped on my bed and thanked God for my life. My phone was vibrating in my pocket so I reached into my pocket for it. 

“I have been calling you since 1988 but you haven’t been picking. What are you doing mbok?” My mother shouted in her thick Efik accent, she couldn’t even ask how I was doing before firing me with questions. 

“My woman, I was out with some friends. You didn’t even ask how I am…”

“Abasi. Thank God you are fine. I had a bad dream. Somebody was shooring you. Philemon, where were you this night?”

I rolled my eyes. She definitely knew how to get under my skin,”I’m okay. I went out to a bar and there was a shoot-out but I’m fine m…”

“They will not rejoice at my downfall father, those that dig a pit will fall into it. God, preserve my shildren…” 

I zoned out of her prayers. She knew how to escalate things. Trust a Calabar mother. 

My mind wandered towards Trisha. The first time I met her was at the front of a hair salon where she had gone to install her frontal wig. She was pretty and innocent looking. I collected her number and ever since, we’ve been talking. The second time we met, we went to see a movie. I kissed her soft, sweet lips at the back of the theatre and since then, the softness of her booty and boobs pressed against my body has been on my mind.

This night would have been the best night to tap that ass. We were supposed to be on a date but she called and said her friend was coming along so I just allowed her but instead of a fancy dinner, I took them to a bar because who wants to pay for the extra mouth?

“Did you hear what I said, Philemon?”

I had forgotten my mom was still on the phone, “Ma?”

“The devil will not win over you, say amen!”

“Amen!”

“Behave yourself and avoid mmin(wine). Be a good boy and marry. Go and get a yob then get a wife. All your sisters are married and you are my only son. Do something so I can carry my grandshildren. You hear me?” 

I nodded.

“You hear me?”

“Yes ma!”

She ended the call. I sunk my head in the soft mattress, my neighbor was playing ‘under the influence by Chris Brown’ and I could hear his bed squeaking through the thin walls. 

It’s been a long time I got laid. Trisha…

My phone buzzed in my hands and I answered it without looking at the caller ID.

“Hi baby…”

At the sound of Trisha’s soft voice, my guy was erecting a tower. I sat up on my bed.

“I’m so sorry to disturb you. Were you sleeping?”

“No baby,” I replied, her voice was doing a lot to my mind.

“I just wanted to know that you got home safely. I tried calling but your number was busy. Are you good?” Trisha asked, concerned.

“I saw your purse in the backseat of my car. I guess the gunshots triggered your survival instincts. I can bring it for you now if you want though. I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I let you come by this time for a purse. I’ll not be comfortable.”

She laughed seductively, “Thanks babe, I’m waiting!”

Minutes later, I was driving down Ikorodu. I saw an Aboki selling suya and bought suya of #2,500 accompanied with chi-exotic. I got to her street and parked a few houses away because I wanted to surprise her. 

I heard some people quarrelling so I quickened my steps. 

“And so? And so? I’m a princess…” A man was shouting.

“So you have been staying with me disgusing as a woman?” A female voice that resembled Edidiong’s shouted back.

I entered the compound with a bag containing suya and chi-exotic in one hand and Trisha’s purse in the other. 

“Even though? What’s wrong with that?” The man replied angrily.

A slender man, brief in height, light skinned with an unusual ass and boobs was clapping back at Edidiong. Some bystanders were standing in awe while a few stood in the pavements of their apartments. A bucket and towel were sprawled on the floor. A toad was croaking somewhere and the electricity voltage was low.

I peered at the breasts and ass jiggling as the man clapped. A gold wig was on the floor and gbola was threatening to escape the stronghold of the tight blue gown.

“Trisha?” I called, barely able to recognize my own voice.

All eyes were on me. 

The slender man looked at me then quickly averted his eyes as he grabbed the wig, bucket and towel from the floor and ran.

“Trisha!” I shouted, not sure I should have raised my voice like that.

“Nor be you be dey pose as Trisha? Answer na!” Edidiong called after the retreating figure and hissed like a snake. 

My mind immediately went to the kiss and the feel of soft boobs on my chest. I was having a hard time processing what just happened.

I looked at Edidiong who just shrugged and shook her head. She was still upset.

“Who… w-wait,” I said trying to calm myself down as I moved towards Edidiong who was standing, hands akimbo as she looked at me pitifully, a tear rolled down my eye, “Is that my Trisha? A man?”

“Na so me self see am. I have been living with a man for three months without realizing it too,” She said dejectedly. 

“Wait oh, she said she has been living with you for a year Edidiong, is that also a lie?” I asked not sure I had the ability to comprehend.

Edidiong laughed.

“He abi na she can lie. Two months and two weeks. Since both of you started dating. She said, sorry boh, he, he said he was having issues with you and that’s why she wanted me to tag along this evening to help both of you settle,” Edidiong said.

“How did you find out?”

“When we returned, I saw my own keys under the mat, we went inside, I wanted to bath so I stripped naked, nothing new right? However, he just dey look me like lucozade. I was afraid he, abi she, was a lesbian only for me to see hair on the chest and I see preeq dey stand inside gown. My dear, na so quarrel start oh!” 

I wanted to drop the suya and chi-exotic on the floor but I considered the price of things. Let me go and cry in my Camry, if I cry, I eat suya and wash it down with exotic. 

I walked back to my car and ignited my car. Another tear escaped my eyes.

Na so I take kiss my fellow man…

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